Are you a gangster? It seems unlikely. They don鈥檛 subscribe to weekly car magazines, or if they do, they don鈥檛 enter into much correspondence with us. Perhaps that is understandable, what with all that gangstering. I suppose their days are preoccupied with issues like shooters and pigs - they go through bone like butter, you know - rather than writing to Autocar. Which is a shame, because I could use a gangster鈥檚 opinion. Gangsters need cars, right? If you are one, how do you decide which car to have? Spending frivolously on something inappropriate would be a distinctly ungangsterish thing to do. Two flight cases would be a challenge enough, without the addition of a burly Stasi officer. So if you鈥檙e a gangster and you鈥檙e getting your tips from Hollywood, think again. Perhaps even think Haymarket Media Group. I鈥檓 not saying our sister mag What Car? 鈥檚 buying guide, but boot capacity gets a prominent position in its specification lists.
But I digress from the point in hand, which is a report that the Mayor of Dover, Neil Rix, is unhappy with Dover鈥檚 civic car. It鈥檚 a Toyota Prius civic car rather than a Honda Civic civic car, disappointingly, but that鈥檚 not why Neil doesn鈥檛 like it. He doesn鈥檛 like it because it鈥檚 too small for the Town Sergeant who drives him around, although Rix sometimes drives it himself, and it鈥檚 too small for him, too. Other Town Officers (who knew towns had so many titled positions?) will also use the car if it isn鈥檛 busy. It can鈥檛 be that busy - between them they only cover about 5000 miles a year, at an annual cost of 拢3500. But sometimes they do long journeys and these are, apparently, intolerable. That鈥檚 the Dover spirit. At 鈥渁bove average height鈥? the Sergeant鈥檚 head touches the roof, so there鈥檚 鈥渁 risk of physical harm鈥?(the 鈥檈lf and safety act has been cited). He must be very above average.
Our 6ft 4in road test editor doesn鈥檛 find it a problem, but hey ho, Rix wants a new car costing 拢5000 a year and the council has signed it off. If it鈥檚 a 鈥榩restige鈥?model, other Town Officers wouldn鈥檛 even be allowed to drive it. But Councillor Peter Wallace thinks it鈥檚 a waste of money and that Rix just wants 鈥渁 big gangster car鈥?to tool around in. And, knowing the Prius as I do, I have some sympathy with Wallace鈥檚 viewpoint. The Mayor鈥檚 proposed choice of replacement vehicles, though, doesn鈥檛 seem very gangster at all: a Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, a Skoda Superb and a Volvo S90. Gangsters, is this your shortlist? The Volvo is moderately acceptable, but a Skoda Superb? Have you no dignity? What happened to a BMW 5 Series or a smokin鈥?old Jag? Something with style. Something with class. Something in which you鈥檇 proudly slam the bootlid down on a bound and gagged grass. And an Outlander PHEV? I ask you. It鈥檚 time to admit Britain truly is broken.
Rolling over some very rough and winter-beaten roads well outside of Montreal, most apparent about the Cayenne is how solid it feels. I remember this from the 2016 GTS I reviewed many years ago, it feels like a sturdy truck but manages to be quiet, comfortable, and especially for the Turbo, just so fast. Boasting a new Porsche-developed 4L twin-turbo V8, the Cayenne Turbo roars down any road with 541 horsepower and 567 lb-ft of torque. Mated to an eight-speed automatic transmission, this engine can actually push this large SUV to 100 km/h in as little as 4.1 seconds. 286 km/h. Again, this isn鈥檛 a sports car, this is a five-passenger SUV with room for luggage. Those with less of a need for speed, might turn to the new Cayenne S model, with a truly lovely 2.9-litre twin-turbo V6that feels amazing and pulls hard with 434 horsepower and 406 lb-ft.
The S may be less dynamic than the Turbo when it comes to especially sporty driving, but it鈥檚 certainly no slouch. Like any modern Porsche, the Cayenne Turbo鈥檚 entire attitude is controlled by a little dial on the steering wheel, allowing me to select one of three drive modes. In Comfort setting, the Cayenne is smooth and quiet. Click it over to Sport Plus and it turns edgy and aggressive, howling like a proper V8. Whether it be the top-spec Turbo or the Cayenne S, both drive beautifully, feel solid, and have more than enough power for anything you might ask of an SUV. As the snowy miles flew past my view, the Cayenne cut a sure-footed path towards YUL. Truth be told, while I had no idea if my flight would ever leave Montreal, I had half a mind to ask Porsche if I could just keep driving home to Toronto. In a vehicle like the Cayenne, it鈥檚 a short trip, and it beats flying any day. Never miss a story. Sign up for NUVO鈥檚 weekly newsletter, here.